I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
