it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
