i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
