I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
