Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
