Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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