Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
