Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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