Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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