he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You're like the curious george of whores
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
