New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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