nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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