Old men and throwing up are my life now.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
