please come you make the beer taste better
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
