i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
my being single is dangerous.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
