almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
