Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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