oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
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my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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