I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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