I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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