I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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