I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
