you turned your livingroom into a bong?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You're breaking my sexual little heart
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
