Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
