the condom got lost in my hair
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
