i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Bring me that man meat
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
