I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize