bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
