When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
