i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
