In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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