Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
