A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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