She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
