I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
