i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
