Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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