We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
