I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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