My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
