if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
