Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
