It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
