Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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