i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
