Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
