Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
