i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night