my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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