So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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