You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.