Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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