When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My boob is missing a layer of skin
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
