Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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