it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
