i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Randomize
