it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
