He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
