You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
