My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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