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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
