I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
