well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
