At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
