everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
