I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Even the bartender felt bad for me
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
