thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
